Kia Ora Whanau
Alex here from Costas Enterprises and today I’m going to talk about mind-set (and I apologies in advance as it’s a long one).
I am going to continue to post my updates but I also want to focus on what I notice and do. I will also keep my monthly posts going as well where I cover off everything.
I want to continue to be honest with all of you. My mind-set needed to change before I even considered losing weight … or even wanted to.
Also a little disclaimer before we go down this rabbit hole.
This post is going to be a little hard for me to write as its going to mean I have to face some serious truths about the way I was and address them in public. It will also be quite long, but I hope you will stick with me!
The way I was
Ok so in-case you haven’t you yet, you may want to read my previous post about my history.
I have spent years deluding myself. I lied to myself about how I was.
You see, I lied to myself and everyone when they asked if I was OK.
I was not ok.
For those that know me I have had an interesting history. Things have happened in my life that have made me both grow up fast and at the same time also revert into a child-like state.
I hope I can get into a place where I can share more about that in the future and I truly believe raising this issue of mind-set will start me on the right path.
I was lying to myself and telling myself that the way I am is not only OK but, also started to believe it. When people tried to help me, I would almost resent them, thinking “they didn’t know”, because they hadn’t seen all of what I had been through.
A huge reason for this was me not actually telling anyone what was really going on.
Sure some of my friends knew most of what was going on in the background but no-one knew everything. I am usually a pretty open book … or at least that is what I portrayed myself as.
I want to take this opportunity to say sorry to my friends and despite me not opening up, the fact that they were there for me regardless of how I was feeling at the time, and that they accepted me means the world to me.
You are all whanau to me.
I did start to get a bit of depression, but mostly I had no motivation, no drive.
I wasn’t happy with who I was but, I was also too lazy to want to change, and I mean real change.
You see I have previously mentioned my invincible mentality. I thought I would never get sick, never have health problems.
After a while, you start getting more and more “wake up” health calls and when you don’t take notice of these “wake up” calls you start to not feel so invincible.
Don’t get me wrong, I had moments of strength in will-power, but in reality I was struck by my personal kryptonite. Stubbornness.
God was I stubborn. I remember eating massive portions or drinking copious amounts of alcohol just due to my stubbornness. I felt like I had to prove I could be the invincible fat person. Just to prove everyone that thought I had weight issues that I was right and they were wrong.
If I had changed my stubbornness in my teens or early 20s and used it for good then maybe you wouldn’t be reading this now.
But as it happens, I didn’t change, so … yay??
So what was your mind-set saying that made you not want to change?, I hear you ask.
Well I have had differing shifts in mind-set during the last 32 years of Fat Life.
This part of the post is being brought to you by my mock rap name Fatty Thins –
“It’s all good baby, baby,
It was full fat cream,
I used to eat it on everything
Cream and sugar were my favorite things”
… OK so I’ll never replace the original Notorious BIG but one thing I did try to do was dismiss any and all guilt of what I was putting into my mouth. There were no guilty pleasures, there was only pleasures and boy did I want all of them!
Something else I did was start to push away people that tried to help. This is one of my biggest regrets. I had a lot of people that cared about me and tried to help me, but because of the way I was I chose to push them further and further away because I didn’t like that they didn’t like me for who I was … despite me not seeing until much later on in life that they actually loved me and only wanted the best for me.
Then the worst thing started to happen.
I started to give up. I had resigned myself to an early death most likely by heart attack. My farther passed away after his 11th heart attack. Once I had given up, I didn’t really mingle with anybody, unless it was drinking or eating. I had also thought there is no way I am ever going to find a girlfriend, all the girls I knew never saw me as a potential partner, only ever as the best friend.
I tell you right now, hearing the “You’re a great guy, but let’s be friends” is one of the hardest things to hear.
So what changed?
I started to get help. About three years ago one of my friends had a serious talk with me and helped me realise that I need more than weight help, I needed mental help.
I started seeing a psycho-therapist.
Now this was a big deal for me, you see I grew up in a very old fashioned family. Put simply my family was big on the “We keep our secrets in the family.” The thought of even going and seeing a psycho-therapist was huge. But I am so glad I did.
Let me tell you right now, if you ever feel like you need help, please go and seek it! As a man I know there is this perception that we all have to be blokes and not to talk to anyone.
I am saying this right now. That is a stupid way to think. We all need help and if you every need help go and seek it.
With the psycho-therapist’s help I started to develop mindfulness and also started to do some more research on changing my mind-set.
I won’t lie, it has not been easy. It has taken me three years to start to seriously change my life and my mind-set. I have failed, the difference now is I have started to learn from my mistakes and start to begin again… this time more intelligently.
I have also started to read/ listen to more podcasts/ audio books and also learn more.
The more research I do the more I find those secret pathways that I was stopping myself from seeing.
Some of the mind-set’s I have heard have not come from simple mindfulness, some have come from financial thinking.
Some people are aware of some of the books I will recommend but a lot of them mention something similar to the Be Do Have mentality. My friend actually told me first about it and gave me the below diagram.
If you aren’t aware the basics of Be Do Have is effectively:
- Be – Pick someone you want to be like, research them and try to Be them, copy their mentality, actions, skills
- Do – Follow their actions, if you know what you want, plan how to get there and Do the steps you need to do this
- Have – By Being the person you want to emulate and Doing the actions to be that person you will Have what you want or desire.
So what tips can you give me?
Honestly, not that much, I can only tell you what has worked for me.
- Put some time in to researching yourself
- Practice mindfulness (check the links below for some resources)
- Don’t give up, it will get better. It may not feel like it but if you’re at the bottom you’re bound to go up at some point
- Believe in what you’re doing. Anything you’re doing!
- If you need it, get help.
- Don’t let your mind beat you. So many times I’ve felt beaten down by my own thoughts – take a break and think of something else. Try to focus on what you want to become.
- BE. DO. HAVE. – Go research this, it could help start you off on the right track
- Know that what you are going through is going to take time. This is a journey. Don’t expect change overnight, this is a marathon not a sprint.
- If you have negative thoughts, expect negative behaviours.
- Start to Love yourself and in time change will naturally happen.
Resources/ Amazon Affiliate Links
Ok so if you have read my other posts you know that I am an Amazon Affiliate which means if you click the links below and buy anything from Amazon I will get a slight commission. Any support is appreciated.
I am going to list some books that I found helpful in changing my mind-set. Some of these are financial books but they also help you further train your mind.
- Secrets of the Millionaire Mind: Mastering the Inner Game of Wealth – T Harv Eker
- Get Your Sht Together: How to Stop Worrying About What You Should Do So You Can Finish What You Need to Do and Start Doing What You Want to Do (A No Fcks Given Guide) – Sarah Knight
- The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fck: How to Stop Spending Time You Don’t Have with People You Don’t Like Doing Things You Don’t Want to Do (A No Fcks Given Guide) – Sarah Knight
- Rich Dad Poor Dad – Robert T. Kiyosaki
- Mindfulness For Dummies 3rd Edition – Shamash Alidina
Well you finally made it to the end!
A huge thank you for all the continuing support and I hope this post helped. Here is a photo of my mind-set today!
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